Listen Up Politicians

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace." --Jimi Hendrix

AN IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even thoughit sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the sideof the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in themidst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no carwent by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a fewfeet ahead of him.Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him andstopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinkingabout it, got into the car and closed the door.....only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and theengine wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the roadahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started topray, begging for his life.Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appearedout of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel.John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand camethrough the window, but never touched or harmed him.Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appeardown the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out ofthe car and ran to it.Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started tellingeverybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized hewas crying... and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walkedin from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, werealso soaked and out of breath.Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at thebar, one said to the other.....

Look Paddy.....there's that fooking idiot that got in thecar while we were pushing it!!!!

The Escalade

I took a Cadillac Escalade out for a test drive just to drive that sucker before they become extinct...

The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all its wonderful options.

The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

I stated the car must be a Republican car.Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican car and I explained that if it were a Democrat car, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership...

Rodeo Sex..........

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions.

One said, 'I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.'

'I don't think I have ever heard of that one,' > said the other cowboy. 'What is it ?'

'Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear; 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.

Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.

Heroes?

My Pops! Who taught me how to love your children unconditionally.

It sure isn't a dead race car driver, like some of you sport. I've often wandered how someone's deceased parents must feel, sitting up there in Heaven, and seeing you run around down here with an "In Memory Of___________", (insert any name other than theirs), plastered on your rear windshield..

OK.........Here Is Me!!!

Names Cochise, I'm 55. Don't like political correctness, that's why I started my own magazine, "Cochise CHOPS Magazine", a free publication here in Daytona. Mailed nationwide though subscriptions.

I ride a 80 CI Rigid Shovel that I put together from a wrecked '80 80 in '05, Jockey, Suicide. I also have a Rigid Evo that we built in 2000. I've owned a '89 Bagger since '94, and it's in the stages of becoming a R.A.T., and as I type this, my partner is bolting a sidecar to it, so I can deliver the mags in it, and ride my 7 year old daughter.

I'm married to a beautiful woman, her name is Bianca, we get along occasionally and I'm in love with her.

The older I get, the less people I like. My whole life, because of my very poverty stricken up bringing (laughed at by others for being poor), I've tried to make people like me, I wanted everyone to like me, but not anymore, FTW!!!!

I believe in Club Life, but brotherhood is dead. Men roll over quicker than a Jack Russell Terrior chasing a hot dog, on their own "BROS". I can count on one hand how many Brothers I have, and I like it that way.

I'm a leader, never a follower. (Haven't met to many that I would ever consider chasing after). This pisses people off.

I am a peacemaker, don't like to fight, but will if pushed. If you are bigger than me or gang up on me, I will shoot you. Maybe not right then, but I will find you and when you least expect it, I'll get you. I literally HATE bullies!!!

I am a private person, don't like people coming to my house unless I know them very, very well, because 8 out of 10 fuck sticks that visit me are always picking up my stuff or asking questions that I don't want to answer. If I want you to know something, I'll tell you.........so don't ask me any questions about my life, past or present.

And lastly, I try hard to get along with people, but I don't kiss anyone's ass. I ride hard and I ride fast, and I let the chips fall where they may. You either like me or you don't, most don't at first. A few don't because I won't play their childish games of "look who I am", so they cry like the infants they are and play kid games with me, like flagging and removing my Craig's List Postings....HaHaHa. Fucking Idiots!!!

Cochise

P.S. I am a spirtual man, and I use to want to save the world from Hell, now the whole world can go. Fuck it!!!

Pearly Gates

Abu al-Zarqawi died and George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!" Thomas Jefferson was next, beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled "It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence ."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist Leader.

As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Al- Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

This is just plain cool.

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out..

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

Idiot Alerts

Beware...

IDIOT SIGHTING : We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.' We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING: My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back..
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING : I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to
request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.' From Kingman, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE : My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce. -- From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING : I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING : The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING : At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,'
our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.. ;

IDIOT SIGHTING : I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life,
couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.
How would you pronounce this child's name? "Le-a" Leah?? NO Lee - A?? NOPE Lay - a?? NO Lei?? Guess Again. This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent." SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

STAY ALERT! They walk among us....and they VOTE and REPRODUCE!

Idiot Alerts

Beware... IDIOT SIGHTING : We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.' We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING: My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back..
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING : I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to
request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.' From Kingman, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE : My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce. -- From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING : I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened in Birmingham, Ala. IDIOT SIGHTING : The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS IDIOT SIGHTING : At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,'
our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.. ; IDIOT SIGHTING : I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life,
couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.
How would you pronounce this child's name? "Le-a" Leah?? NO Lee - A?? NOPE Lay - a?? NO Lei?? Guess Again. This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent." SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.
STAY ALERT! They walk among us....and they VOTE and REPRODUCE!