Better than a Flu Shot

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosityabout the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist . 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

Grandma Logic

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her lifefinally retired.At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all themedicines that had been prescribed for her As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as herealized she had a prescription for birth control pills.'Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?''Yes, they help me sleep at night.''Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that couldpossibly help you sleep!'She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in theglass of orange juice that my 16-year-old-granddaughter drinks. And,
believe me, it helps me sleep at night.'You 'GOTTA' love Grandmas

Logic

Rednecks, Smitty and Booger, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking> beer.>>> Smitty turns to Booger and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life> without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and> sign up for some classes.'>>> Booger thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.>>> The next day, Smitty goes down to the college and meets the Dean of> Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English,> history, and Logic.>>> 'Logic?' Smitty says. 'What's that?'>>> The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'>>> 'Yeah.'>>> 'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you> would have a yard.'>>> 'That's true, I do have a yard.'>>> 'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically> that you would have a house.'>>> 'Yes, I do have a house.'>>> 'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a> family.'>>> 'Yes, I have a family.'>>> 'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a> wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a> heterosexual.'>>> 'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that> because I have a weed eater.'>>> Excited to take the class now, Smitty shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to> go meet Booger at the bar. He tells Booger about his classes, how he is> signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.>>> 'Logic?' Booger says, 'What's that?'>>> Smitty says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'>>> 'No.'>>> 'Then you're a queer.'

OIL SPILLS AND KNUCKLE SCARS

OIL SPILLS AND KNUCKLE SCARS

Crouched in front of me,
I'm embraced with cold leather.
The tickle of his beard meets my cheek,
followed by the faint smell
of Budweiser on his breath.
"Are you ready buddy?"
he whispers,
as he lifts me
above the mountains
and rests me atop his shoulders.

Gravel and snow crunch
beneath his weathered,
steel-toe boots
as we reach the old worn shed
where so much love and oil
had been spilled.

The lights buzz on,
illuminating the wooden walls
decorated with posters
mom shouldn't see.
The space heater rumbles,
glowing a fiery red
and dad helps me collect the wrenches
perched high above my reach.

He called it tinkering
but I call it life.
Because greased metal slips,
and knuckles bleed,
but cuts heal
and memories like these,
make the scars worth remembering.

by Cody Curren

A New Twist On Toby Keith's Famous Song!

Got me a new truck!I bought a new Ford F250 and returned to the dealer yesterday becauseI couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, 'Ricky orWillie?''Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind'replaced Willie Nelson.I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,'Beethoven,'I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some Mexicans ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck,but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, 'A__ Holes!'Immediately the Iranian National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fondaand Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, withJohn Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, NancyPelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on Scotch.Man:

I LOVE this truck! :-)

Village Idiots

From the Hollywood Glitterati: “A woman voting for McCain-Palin is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders.” —actress Ashley Judd
“If you’re not going to vote I don’t even know what to say to you anymore. You know you have to vote.” —actor Leonardo DiCaprio Non Compos Mentis:

“You know, the one thing that really gets to me, which I don’t think many people are discussing, but to me sounds like a little bit of a contradiction is being pro-life yet being pro-hunting—unless you are assuming that animals are not alive. That’s such a huge contradiction to me on the McCain-Palin thing. It just doesn’t fit in my book.”

—supermodel Mayra Veronica Experience doesn’t help: “I’ve spent 35 years writing about America and its people and the meaning of the American promise—a promise handed down right here in this city. Our everyday citizens... have justifiably lost faith in its meaning.”

—singer Bruce Springsteen, who has no idea what America means, at an Obama rally in Philadelphia From WAY out in left field: “I’m also worried since it’s October that George Bush will do one of three things: Either find bin Laden, who’ve they’ve had somewhere for eight months waiting to bring out... at the ranch... Or, you know, let’s start a war with Iran. That’s always a possibility. And here’s the third thing and I don’t know much about the Bible and I’m not a big rapture guy but I believe George Bush is, and what better way, if your polls are so bad, than to go out by pushing the button and destroying all life on Earth?” —Hollywood producer and director Barry Sonnenfeld

Rocking In The New World

Insight

“Votes are collared under democracy not by talking sense but by talking nonsense.” —H. L. Mencken

“Probably the most distinctive characteristic of the successful politician is selective cowardice.” —Richard Harris

“The short memories of the American voters is what keeps our politicians in office.” —Will Rogers